“We are going to just sit in the still and reflect on our souls. We want to calm the chaos and look to see what is actually on our hearts. What we’ve been hiding from ourselves. We are going to focus on what God already knows, what we have already thought.” the pastor said just as he was wrapping up the sermon. As I began to sit in the stillness I began to grow uncomfortable and wondered if others could see the shift in my posture. And then I just started to write, to be honest I wasn’t really sure what I was writing.
You know my soul, there is no question about that. God, you know my heart. Nothing is unknown by You.
Unfortunately I do not know myself as well and when I look to see what is hidden I see where I am lacking. Where I am weak.
God, do you even care? Are you really in control like I say you are? Do I trust this? God, I am struggling. God, I need you, I need you to intervene. I keep giving my all to you Lord but I feel like I have been left with nothing and nothing that will be coming soon.
God, where are you?
My heart cringed reading the excerpt from my journal. I wish I could lie and say this was something I had written years ago or even months. The truth was it couldn’t have been even 3 weeks. Was the ink even dry yet on the paper? So many thoughts whirling around in my head but I was still able to find exactly what I needed to say. This was me, unfiltered.
God, where are you?
I think it was a valid question to ask Him. It was bold, but it was also real. My panic attacks had gotten unmanageable, life got complicated and my spirit grew weak. But to the outside, you could not tell a difference. I wanted to know where He was dwelling in the midst of it all. Where He was and why has His hand allowed this to happen to me?
There is so much fear in today’s culture to question God, so much fear to cry out to Him about why certain events are happening. Is the fear there because we are scared to hear His answer? I say I want to be tested and refined, but when the trials hit too close to home I’m ready to tap out.
All throughout Psalms David pleads to God to save him from his circumstances, to hear him and to answer him. He remains persistent and honest with the Lord. Some pretty harsh thoughts were written all through Job 10, as Job is wanting to understand God and His ways. Job lost everything, and where was God? None of this was surprising for God to hear. Their trials were not easy but their platforms became great because of it. What if we looked at our circumstances, our lowly moments where we are just as honest with God with what we need as the platforms He is providing? Platforms that bridges us with others who are also struggling compared to building walls to hide in so other Christians don’t see us.
As I reflected back on my journal entry I didn’t cringe because of the truth that was written, I cringed at how long it took me, to be honest with myself. How long it took me to be honest with those who I call my friends. There’s this fear of letting others see my weaknesses. Letting others see that I am just as desperately clinging to my faith and struggling to make sense of everything. Just like everyone else.
God, where are you… because I need you, but you already know this
All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
-I’m Not A Writer, I’m Just Trying to Save Money on Buying A Diary-